Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
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Social Media and Real life
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.