my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.