Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Time for evil
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.