Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
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imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
2022: I can fix it
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL