My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
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Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
this chia pet tastes awful
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.