When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
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My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
this is the greatest thing ever
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
A sick whale is called an unwhale
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.