When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
You Might Also Like
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.