A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 馃槈
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Wish all of my viruses were this polite
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I鈥檓 not saying it鈥檚 hard for me to lose weight, I鈥檓 just saying if you interrupt me when I鈥檓 eating I鈥檓 starting over.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC鈥檚 for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school se帽or.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I鈥檝e done 10 sit-ups today, I can鈥檛 take much more of this ab use.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer