*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
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Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.