“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
You Might Also Like
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Finally
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Just a reminder, folks:
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!