When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
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Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
We’re all getting idioter.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*