it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
You Might Also Like
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server