eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
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8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
SPLOOT
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.