I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
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I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude