Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy