The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
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Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more