*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
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i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My back has gone out more than I have this year.