Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
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I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?