It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
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If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster