REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.