You Might Also Like
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright