The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
men are simple creatures
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?