Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
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Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.