I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
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Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Terribly Tuesday.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.