wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
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71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me