It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
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I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*