Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
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I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
#ProTip