i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
A Short Story.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting