have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.