Does beer think about me too?
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Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.