[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
You Might Also Like
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!