all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
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i have one speed and it’s mosey
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.