Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I hate when that happens.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.