Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
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I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?