IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
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Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.