When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
“Great, now I have to pee.”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.