I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂