[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
thank god the sign was there
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.