Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.