Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
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My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
a lot to unpack here
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.