If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
So true for me
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.