People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
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We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
.. do you even science?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I have obtained a hat
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Most fashion shows these days…