Finished stitching this today 😇
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.