“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
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Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter