I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead