Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
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and now we wait
They’re on their honeymoon
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
This pepper has seen some shit
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff