The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
You Might Also Like
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Animal poetry
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.