mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
This raises questions
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
God has left this place
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”