doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.