I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
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If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Kermit goes Blue.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda